Signs, Causes, and How to Overcome Emotional Unavailability
Have you ever felt distant in your relationships, as if there’s a barrier between you and those you care about? Or perhaps you’re aware that you struggle to open up emotionally, or find yourself withdrawing when things get too serious or conversations too deep, but you’re not sure why?
If so, you might have started to wonder if these are signs that you’re “emotionally unavailable” – a term that has become something of a buzzword in recent years.
While it’s not an official diagnosis, emotional unavailability is a term often used to describe people who struggle to connect deeply with others on an emotional level, and the behaviors associated with it can have profound effects on your life and relationships.
But the good news is that it’s also something you can work on and overcome – especially with talk therapy.
Recognizing behavior traits is often the first step in changing them, so we’ll delve into the common signs of emotional unavailability, what being emotionally unavailable really means, typical underlying causes, and how you can overcome it through therapy and start to achieve stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
What does emotionally unavailable mean?
Emotional unavailability refers to an inability or unwillingness to engage deeply on an emotional level. This can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty expressing feelings, an aversion to intimacy, or a tendency to keep others at arm’s length.
Common traits of being emotionally unavailable include avoiding talking about your emotions and steering clear of topics that require vulnerability, shying away from commitment, or disengaging when conversations become too personal. This can have a profound impact on relationships, as it leads to a lack of emotional depth and connection that is so essential for a healthy lasting bond.
Emotional availability is most often referred to in the context of romantic relationships, but it’s far from exclusive to those types of relationships. It’s also essential to recognize that it exists on a spectrum – some people may find themselves emotionally closed off only in specific situations or with certain people, while others might struggle with emotional connection across all areas of their lives.
For example, you might find it easy to be emotionally open with friends but feel a wall go up in romantic relationships. This variability can make it challenging to recognize when emotional unavailability is at play. However, understanding this concept is the first step toward addressing it and fostering healthier relationships.
Signs you might be emotionally unavailable
Emotional unavailability can manifest in various ways, some of which you might not even be fully aware of.
Here are some common signs that could indicate you are struggling with emotional availability:
- Your romantic relationships are usually short-lived: You have a tendency to leave relationships before they get serious, or find that they start to fall apart as they reach a point of demanding greater commitment.
- You keep your options open: You feel safer maintaining multiple possibilities rather than committing to one person, fearing that settling down might limit you.
- Relationships can feel like a chore: Instead of bringing joy, romantic relationships often leave you feeling drained or anxious, as if they’re more of a burden than a source of happiness.
- You struggle with trust: Trusting others doesn’t come easily, and you often question your partner’s intentions or loyalty.
- You find it difficult to talk about your feelings and emotions: Engaging in discussions that require emotional vulnerability makes you uncomfortable, so you steer clear of them.
- You worry about losing yourself: The thought of losing your independence or changing too much in a relationship makes you anxious.
- You get bored easily: Passion and chemistry fade quickly, especially with emotionally available partners, leaving you disinterested.
- You keep finding yourself in emotionally unavailable relationships: You often feel like relationships go wrong because of others, not recognizing your role in the dynamic.
Bear in mind that these signs can all manifest in different ways and varying degrees, and some may only be present in certain types of relationships – you’re unlikely to see consistent patterns across all relationships in your life.
However, if you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself, it might be a sign that emotional unavailability is affecting your relationships and overall well-being.
What causes emotional unavailability?
Emotional unavailability can stem from various underlying factors, and it’s not uncommon for there to be a combination of factors at play.
These can range from childhood experiences to past relationships, personality traits, mental health conditions, and even temporary circumstances and priorities.
Here are some common causes of emotional unavailability:
- Past trauma or emotional wounds: Individuals who have experienced significant emotional pain, such as betrayal, loss, or abuse, may develop emotional unavailability as a defense mechanism.
- Childhood attachment issues: Early childhood experiences, particularly with caregivers, play a crucial role in shaping how we form relationships as adults. Those with insecure attachment styles – such as avoidant attachment – may struggle with emotional unavailability because they’ve learned to associate closeness with potential pain or rejection.
- Avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) and other mental health conditions: Emotional unavailability can be a symptom of another underlying mental health condition, such as avoidant personality disorder (AVPD), depression, anxiety, or PTSD. These conditions can create a deep-seated fear of emotional intimacy and social interaction, making it difficult to form and maintain close relationships.
- Cultural and societal influences: In some cases, societal norms and cultural expectations can contribute to emotional unavailability. For example, certain cultures may discourage open emotional expression, particularly in men, leading to a reluctance to engage in emotionally vulnerable conversations.
- Past experiences: Individuals who have previously experienced unhealthy or toxic relationships may become emotionally unavailable as a way to avoid repeating past mistakes. They may fear that being emotionally open will lead to the same negative outcomes they’ve encountered before.
Recognizing the causes behind your emotional unavailability is a crucial step in addressing it, and in most instances, talk therapy – whether one-on-one therapy or with your partner in couples therapy – is one of the most effective ways of doing so.
How therapy can help you become more emotionally available
Therapy is a powerful tool for those looking to break through emotional barriers and build stronger, more meaningful connections.
Working with a therapist allows you to explore the underlying causes of why you are emotionally unavailable and develop strategies for change.
By working with a therapist, you can:
- Identify and understand emotional barriers: Therapy can help you explore the root causes of your emotional unavailability, whether they stem from past trauma, fear of vulnerability, or other underlying issues.
- Develop healthier emotional connections: Through guided exercises and discussions, you can learn how to connect more deeply with others and express your emotions in a healthy way.
- Learn new communication and relational skills: Therapy provides practical tools and strategies for improving your communication and relationship skills, making it easier to engage emotionally with those around you.
Whether you’re exploring these issues on your own or with a partner, therapy offers tailored approaches to meet your needs.
Individual therapy is especially valuable if you need a private space to identify and address your emotional barriers. It can also be a crucial first step if you or your partner isn’t ready to engage in couples therapy.
On the other hand, couples therapy can be an effective option for partners who are both willing to examine and change these patterns together.
Moving towards emotional availability with REACH
Emotional unavailability can shape your relationships and life in profound ways, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent state. By recognizing the signs of being emotionally unavailable, understanding its impacts, and seeking support through therapy, you can take meaningful steps toward becoming more emotionally available.
This journey can lead to deeper connections, greater emotional fulfillment, and healthier, more satisfying relationships.
If you see yourself in any of the signs discussed, or if you’re struggling with emotional availability, Reach Behavioral Health Ohio is here to help.
Contact us today, and take the first step towards building a more emotionally connected life.